I am Meh! / The Evolution of Feeding Cues

The early days of parenthood brought us many joys, as well as a lot of problem solving.

One of the hardest parts was trying to figure out what our tiny newborn needed when she was awake. The solution they gave us in all the books and at the hospital was: Try everything! First a feeding, then burping, then a diaper change, then holding her for comfort and bonding.

A simple enough blanket solution. It worked, but it's like finding your kitchen flooded with water when you wake up in the morning and trying to fix it by first checking the mailbox, then wiping the dust on the TV, then opening and closing the bedroom door a few times, and only after that turning off the water faucet. The sequence works, but it's exhausting and highly inefficient because you rarely start with the right step. Yet you are sleep deprived and hungry and afraid of doing anything that might hurt the baby so you just try everything and hope.

Had anyone told me that I would soon learn what Mara would be trying to express with subtle differences in cries and behavior, I would have dismissed it with a: ”Yeah right! Maybe one of those supermoms with great instincts".

Well enough, a few weeks in and we were both very attuned to some of Mara's feeding cues, with nobody to point them out to us. On second thought, that last part was probably most important: with no book, or video, or baby-experts to point them out to us. Well, several people told us to expect rooting (chomping her mouth in the air) at the beginning.

We had started the road to parenthood well determined to learn how to deal with our baby, got some awesome pregnancy and birth / child  development/ parent-child relationship development books and read almost every night for months, not to even mention the routine checking of online content on forums and parent emailing lists.

We had taken birth/infant care classes, some from Heather Ward, which I must say were the absolute best - thank you, Jason and Lindsey for recommending her to us!

Yet the absolute best teacher on how to deal with Mara was Mara herself.

In our constant amazement that this fully-working miniature human had shown up in the world, we watched her every second we were awake. That's a whole lot of seconds in the first sleepless month!

She taught me how nursing was going to happen - I just let her lead and helped her out with loving, supportive arms. She taught daddy how she likes to be held and bounced on the exercise ball or swayed when tired. She trained us in all aspects of babyhood.

But more to the point of this post, she taught us quite early on what she looks/sounds/feels like when she is hungry. 

I wish I were apt enough at writing to put this in words properly. As I'm writing this today I feel a lot of respect for the book authors that attempt to teach others the universal language of infants. It's not an easy task.

For Mara it was a set of cues of different degrees of subtlety and I'm certain that there's a bunch that we completely missed. These little wonders are already so much smarter than their parents. I've told Greg a number of times: Mara is teaching us how to communicate with her. She does this very patiently, day by day, but when she'll finally realize that we are just not smart enough she'll grandiosely give up and learn our language instead.

Here is what we've noticed in Mara's evolution of feeding cues:

First days

Mouth open and crying out. A mild version of rooting.

Two weeks

Snort loudly and rub head side to side on things like people's shirts or any part of mommy, really. Violently root as just described, and when finally stumbling upon the target, arch back widely, push up with both arms and as far away from the much desired latch and cry because it's now gotten too far so it's probably disappeared forever.

This is when mommy would sabotage Mara's Quest for the Elusive Nipple by sweeping out one of her arms. As a result, baby would fall face first onto the object of her desire and would start feeding happily.

Cue for lots of laughter from both parents.

Two months

Baby smiles to mommy, tenses up shoulders, arches in a little concave shape (shoulders and knees toward tummy), brings hands together and rubs them. In other words, baby tries to achieve a look like she is planning something.

She is. It works. Feeding happens.

Again, lots of laughter from both parents.

Two to three months

Baby wiggles and smiles and makes herself look lovable in the hope she will be carried to mommy. If that doesn't work, she shows discontent by fussing a little. That usually gets her close to mommy.

When she finally sees mommy, baby opens her mouth as wide as can be, snorts and rolls her head just like the lion from Metro Goldwyn Mayer at the beginning of movies.

Three months

The usual sudden open mouth at the sight of mommy is accompanied by a loud and excited "Aagh!".

She is now more apt with her fingers so she pokes one in the mouth as indicator of where the feeding should take place soon (just in case mommy forgot which part needs feeding).

Three to four months

Mara has had many people loving her and carrying her around with the whole Thanksgiving break, which normally is convenient except around feeding times. She is too far from mommy and her smiles and fusses lead to nothing. Everyone is trying to give mommy a break cause she is tired, so they try to soothe the fuss really hard.
Time for a more articulate cue.

What does mommy say every time we nurse, since the first day we brought baby back from the hospital?
"Mama te iubeste" ( Mommy loves you ).

What does baby remember to cry out? "Meh!"

The escalation is hilarious.

First a single short utterance, so brief that only mommy and daddy notice.

meh!

Parents squint their eyes and look at each other: "Was that a ...?". They start paying attention.
Mara goes on with her humming and broomh-ing as per her fussy state. The current Grandparent-on-Duty goes on with the current activity, usually walking around, trying to soothe the fuss.

A few tens of seconds pass as the baby graciously allows the grandparent to "get it". The grandparent doesn't. Mara takes a bigger breath and enunciates a little clearer and louder:

MEH!

This is when mommy or daddy start waking toward the baby and explaining that she acts like she needs feeding. They pick her up and as usual Mara gets what Mara wants.

But there's other times when not everything goes as per Mara's plan. Either the evening is late and mommy is exhausted and lying down for just a little bit, or she's rushing to eat something because she is starving on top of exhausted.

That's when daddy is in charge, talking and walking the baby around in the hope that she'll maybe just fall asleep this way just like daytime naps.

Well, let me put it to you in broken English: when baby hungry, baby don't sleep.

She will fuss, she will cry, and she will crank up the Meh!s till mommy caves in.

Thus a Meh! of the third degree is more like a wail, with long vowels and a downward tone to fully express how upset she's gotten at this point:

Myeeehh... :-(

This is usually the end. Sometimes though, we attempt to help Mara sleep for more than an hour without feeding (she still wakes every hour!). The almost awakening is signaled by some wailing or screaming while asleep. This is when daddy rocks and sings to Mara before she wakes up, while mommy shuts her ears with hands and/or a blanket trying to ignore the calls.

It's worked a few times, where daddy successfully puts her to sleep when she's asking for comfort food.

Very rarely though, she takes out the heavy artillery.

A stop in the hrumm-ing, a big sigh, then a large intake of air. The room is crazy quiet for just a few moments, everyone's ears sharply attuned in hope that she's given up and about to enter deep sleep. Then the night is pierced with a sharp and exquisitely enunciated:

Meh-meh!

Dad bursts into laughter, mom rushes up and picks up the baby.

Mara wins.